I know I haven't written in this thing for a while. I kind of abandoned it, because sometime writing stuff would make me angry, or it would just get me depressed. Lately, I just shut up about stuff, go through my day, do what needs to get done.
There are a lot of things that have to get done.
I am moving to school soon. I have also been working in an office, but recently stopped. I have some time free but there's so much that has to be done, I don't know if I can classify it as time free. My I have to take my pet to the vet, I have to buy stuff before I move, I have also just moved to a new house, and will have to move again to school. Things are crazy, and I escape. I try at least. I am not home a lot, I go out and I sleep or I do something else to occupy my mind so I don't have to think. I think I'm just really fucking up my head.
B. is.. well he's B. I don't really know what to describe him as. I don't even think I really know him anymore. It's all very confusing. There are been a lot of horrible moments in the past few months. At one point, he said Pam's name while he was sleeping and I completely blew up. I was frustrated and he said, "you didn't even ASK why I said her name. I was sleeping for Chrissakes! I was goddamn sleeping, I wake up and I'm being yelled for something I don't know I did!"
This whole mess, a very big mess. Which involved shouting, a lot of shouting. A lot of crying (on my part). He told me to get out, he didn't want me in the house anymore, and at one point grabbed me and tried to physically shoved me out. His family intervened. His mother pulled me away and gave me some water. His sister woke up and asked him why he was yelling so much in the morning, to just chill out why don't you? B. yelled at her too. He has a temper problem. I think I have discussed with him in the past about his temper. He admitted that he had a temper and back then he said he would go see someone about it. It never happened, and now it's turned into this, "I know I have a bad temper. It's how I am." Last night he even said something about it, about how his sister is spoiled by his family, but he is not spoiled by them at all. His sister expects things from her brother (B.), and her mother and father. B. doesn't expect anything from them. I made a comment on how they could be from the same family but be so different. How he is not spoiled, but his sister is very spoiled. They think from completely different perspectives it's like they were raised by different people. He shrugged and said that he got all the temper, and his sister got none of it, but she got the spoiled behaviors, but he received none of that. He just said it, so matter of factly, just kind of like, "this is how I am, is what I am, so just take it or leave it, it can't be changed".
Maybe he just burries everything. We have gotten over fights where he gets angry because I don't see that he is trying to fix this relationship at all, but in reality I am the one not doing anything. I refute and say that I'm trying, and he refutes and he says that I'm trying, but I'm trying to heal myself. All the stuff I think up of, it's not focused on healing HIM, it's focused on healing me. On healing my pain of the one being cheated on, but there's pain knowing that you cheated, and is there anything that I've suggested that helps with HIS pain?
I guess he's right, there isn't. I don't really know what would help. I've got the disadvantage of the viewpoint of the one who was cheated on, I don't really understand what would help. B. clams up a lot. Maybe I've just stopped trying. In the past I've tried to talk about the incident of him cheating on me, and I guess it was too fresh then, he would pull away and stop talking wallowing in a kind of self pity, a kind of I'm fucked up, I cheated on her, I'm horrible, I'm a monster. But repeating that, and not really talking about anything. Or he would come back at me saying that I use it as a weapon, that I like making him feel bad. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad, I just wanted to talk about it, to really talk about it, so we could get over it. We haven't talked about it, really talked about it for a while.
Truth be told, I've stopped wanting to try. I care, but everytime I think about bringing up the subject, to try to really talk about it, to touch base with it, to kind of analyze it and figure out why it is hurting both me and B. so much, I just think about how I've tried in the past, how we've both tried, but for some reason, when I was trying, he wasn't, and when he was trying, I was tired. The thought of the failure is a turn-off, and I just.. don't even try.
There's so much shit going on. I feel like all that emotional pain has been weighing down on me for so long, without changing, that it's just something I've come to accept as part of me, it's just there, it's what it is, and it will not change, and I can't change it, so I'll just accept it. I've done exactly what I was just giving B. shit about with his temper problem. I'm a fucking hypocrite.
His temper has gotten out of control more than once, and it flares up every once in a while, and I don't know what to do with it. He'll get mad about little things, and then I will get upset, and then we'll both be upset, and because the other is upset, it makes both of us more upset, and it escalates into this whole ugly fight over something so goddamn STUPID, like I didn't hear him ask me to get him napkins at an outside concession stand because it was windy and all I heard was wind blowing through my ears.
That really pisses me off. Half the goddamn time he's mumbling about how I don't listen, I NEVER listen. Granted, I may not listen sometimes, I may hear his words, but not really get them. Other times, when he's asking for asistance in doing something, for instance if he spills something in the living room, and I'm in the bedroom reading or whatever. He'll call for my help, but I won't hear, or I'm reading and I don't hear him (but would have if I wasn't reading). I don't know why he's getting so upset, because he gets very upset about this. I was goddamn reading, sure, if I WASN'T reading I would have heard him, but the point is I WAS. I don't know what he wants, it's like he wants me to NEVER DO ANYTHING, and just stand around and wait for him to call me if he needs help in doing something.
Other times, we'll be discussing something, or arguing (but not yelling), and he'll say something, and even though I AM LISTENING, as in I am trying to hear the sound coming out of his mouth, I miss stuff. Not because I'm listening, but because he turned his head into the pillow and all I heard was a muffle of sound, or because he mumbled and I heard something that didn't make sense, and I would say, "what?", and then he would blow up and say, "forget it, just forget it! You never listen!". I mean, honestly, what in the fucking hell? I'm sorry I couldn't hear, it's not like I diverted my attention elsewhere, my attention was on him the whole time. When we argue now I even strain my ears to catch what he's saying, because he has this habit of mumbling. He doesn't think he does, but he really does. It's not really even mumbling, he has a habit of talking INTO things. He'll talk while he's staring at his lap, and I can't hear as well as if he would just look my way and say something. And then I get the, "YOU NEVER LISTEN" bull crap.
We went fishing, ane he got his line tangled. I mean, extremely tangled, and his friends and I were all laughing because his line got stuck in the water, so he yanked it, and then it pulled free and his line came flying out of the water and tangled against something else upon flying back. It was a funny scene, so his friends and I were all laughing. He's not happy though, and he snaps at me to get the scissors for him. Why did he snap at ME? I don't know. Why not at his friends? I don't know. Why can't I laugh along with his friends? I don't know. It seems like he has a different set of rules for me and the rest of the world. If I did something that anyone else did, one of his best friends, his sister, whatever, I would get shit for it. I understand that by being his girlfriend, there are certain things I should understand better than other people, but I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about regular ordinary every day things.
I don't know if things have actually gotten better, or if we've just managed to not do anything with our issues for so long that they just just become livable.
There are a lot of things that have to get done.
I am moving to school soon. I have also been working in an office, but recently stopped. I have some time free but there's so much that has to be done, I don't know if I can classify it as time free. My I have to take my pet to the vet, I have to buy stuff before I move, I have also just moved to a new house, and will have to move again to school. Things are crazy, and I escape. I try at least. I am not home a lot, I go out and I sleep or I do something else to occupy my mind so I don't have to think. I think I'm just really fucking up my head.
B. is.. well he's B. I don't really know what to describe him as. I don't even think I really know him anymore. It's all very confusing. There are been a lot of horrible moments in the past few months. At one point, he said Pam's name while he was sleeping and I completely blew up. I was frustrated and he said, "you didn't even ASK why I said her name. I was sleeping for Chrissakes! I was goddamn sleeping, I wake up and I'm being yelled for something I don't know I did!"
This whole mess, a very big mess. Which involved shouting, a lot of shouting. A lot of crying (on my part). He told me to get out, he didn't want me in the house anymore, and at one point grabbed me and tried to physically shoved me out. His family intervened. His mother pulled me away and gave me some water. His sister woke up and asked him why he was yelling so much in the morning, to just chill out why don't you? B. yelled at her too. He has a temper problem. I think I have discussed with him in the past about his temper. He admitted that he had a temper and back then he said he would go see someone about it. It never happened, and now it's turned into this, "I know I have a bad temper. It's how I am." Last night he even said something about it, about how his sister is spoiled by his family, but he is not spoiled by them at all. His sister expects things from her brother (B.), and her mother and father. B. doesn't expect anything from them. I made a comment on how they could be from the same family but be so different. How he is not spoiled, but his sister is very spoiled. They think from completely different perspectives it's like they were raised by different people. He shrugged and said that he got all the temper, and his sister got none of it, but she got the spoiled behaviors, but he received none of that. He just said it, so matter of factly, just kind of like, "this is how I am, is what I am, so just take it or leave it, it can't be changed".
Maybe he just burries everything. We have gotten over fights where he gets angry because I don't see that he is trying to fix this relationship at all, but in reality I am the one not doing anything. I refute and say that I'm trying, and he refutes and he says that I'm trying, but I'm trying to heal myself. All the stuff I think up of, it's not focused on healing HIM, it's focused on healing me. On healing my pain of the one being cheated on, but there's pain knowing that you cheated, and is there anything that I've suggested that helps with HIS pain?
I guess he's right, there isn't. I don't really know what would help. I've got the disadvantage of the viewpoint of the one who was cheated on, I don't really understand what would help. B. clams up a lot. Maybe I've just stopped trying. In the past I've tried to talk about the incident of him cheating on me, and I guess it was too fresh then, he would pull away and stop talking wallowing in a kind of self pity, a kind of I'm fucked up, I cheated on her, I'm horrible, I'm a monster. But repeating that, and not really talking about anything. Or he would come back at me saying that I use it as a weapon, that I like making him feel bad. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad, I just wanted to talk about it, to really talk about it, so we could get over it. We haven't talked about it, really talked about it for a while.
Truth be told, I've stopped wanting to try. I care, but everytime I think about bringing up the subject, to try to really talk about it, to touch base with it, to kind of analyze it and figure out why it is hurting both me and B. so much, I just think about how I've tried in the past, how we've both tried, but for some reason, when I was trying, he wasn't, and when he was trying, I was tired. The thought of the failure is a turn-off, and I just.. don't even try.
There's so much shit going on. I feel like all that emotional pain has been weighing down on me for so long, without changing, that it's just something I've come to accept as part of me, it's just there, it's what it is, and it will not change, and I can't change it, so I'll just accept it. I've done exactly what I was just giving B. shit about with his temper problem. I'm a fucking hypocrite.
His temper has gotten out of control more than once, and it flares up every once in a while, and I don't know what to do with it. He'll get mad about little things, and then I will get upset, and then we'll both be upset, and because the other is upset, it makes both of us more upset, and it escalates into this whole ugly fight over something so goddamn STUPID, like I didn't hear him ask me to get him napkins at an outside concession stand because it was windy and all I heard was wind blowing through my ears.
That really pisses me off. Half the goddamn time he's mumbling about how I don't listen, I NEVER listen. Granted, I may not listen sometimes, I may hear his words, but not really get them. Other times, when he's asking for asistance in doing something, for instance if he spills something in the living room, and I'm in the bedroom reading or whatever. He'll call for my help, but I won't hear, or I'm reading and I don't hear him (but would have if I wasn't reading). I don't know why he's getting so upset, because he gets very upset about this. I was goddamn reading, sure, if I WASN'T reading I would have heard him, but the point is I WAS. I don't know what he wants, it's like he wants me to NEVER DO ANYTHING, and just stand around and wait for him to call me if he needs help in doing something.
Other times, we'll be discussing something, or arguing (but not yelling), and he'll say something, and even though I AM LISTENING, as in I am trying to hear the sound coming out of his mouth, I miss stuff. Not because I'm listening, but because he turned his head into the pillow and all I heard was a muffle of sound, or because he mumbled and I heard something that didn't make sense, and I would say, "what?", and then he would blow up and say, "forget it, just forget it! You never listen!". I mean, honestly, what in the fucking hell? I'm sorry I couldn't hear, it's not like I diverted my attention elsewhere, my attention was on him the whole time. When we argue now I even strain my ears to catch what he's saying, because he has this habit of mumbling. He doesn't think he does, but he really does. It's not really even mumbling, he has a habit of talking INTO things. He'll talk while he's staring at his lap, and I can't hear as well as if he would just look my way and say something. And then I get the, "YOU NEVER LISTEN" bull crap.
We went fishing, ane he got his line tangled. I mean, extremely tangled, and his friends and I were all laughing because his line got stuck in the water, so he yanked it, and then it pulled free and his line came flying out of the water and tangled against something else upon flying back. It was a funny scene, so his friends and I were all laughing. He's not happy though, and he snaps at me to get the scissors for him. Why did he snap at ME? I don't know. Why not at his friends? I don't know. Why can't I laugh along with his friends? I don't know. It seems like he has a different set of rules for me and the rest of the world. If I did something that anyone else did, one of his best friends, his sister, whatever, I would get shit for it. I understand that by being his girlfriend, there are certain things I should understand better than other people, but I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about regular ordinary every day things.
I don't know if things have actually gotten better, or if we've just managed to not do anything with our issues for so long that they just just become livable.
1 comment:
Hi Peace_Keeper I’ve been looking for peace related blogs and I came across yours on if this wasn't just rambling, i would give it a title during my trawl, so I thought it would be polite to let you know about my visit. You are most welcome to come and visit me at peace. I would also be happy to trade links with you if you are interested. Bye for now and have a nice day! Roy.
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